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Friendship, honesty, and loyalty are to be prized above all other things.
On the third Wednesday of every month, you must lay upon your doorstep a raw chicken thigh as a sacrifice to the Great Blue Shark.
Sexbruise? Is god. You may still worship other gods, but Sexbruise? needs to be at least your primary or secondary god.
Stealing is only acceptable if you can definitely get away with it and you are doing it to save time or money
On the day of a Sexbruise? Show, you must fast in preparation for the Feast of a Thousand Snacks. The hungriest bruise fans shall be rewarded the most handsomely.
Tithes must be donated in multiples of 69 or 420. Amounts such as 6.90, 42.00, 84.00 or 4200.00 are acceptable.
Quit your job and surrender your life to Sexbruise? To demonstrate your loyalty.
Women who wish to offer themselves to the bruise may do so by smearing mayonnaise on they tiddies.
On the day of The Jeffening, a flying saucer will emerge from the skies above our Miami Timeshare and take us all to the mother ship to join our ancestors.
On the Last Full Moon Before The Jeffening, ‘The chosen one’ shall be selected by the gods. This person will be brought on stage at a sexbruise? Show and sacrificed to the gods, or maybe they just dance or something
‘The Chosen One’ will be required to serve as Sexbruise?’s intern for no less than 6 months to prove their worthiness and will be in charge of procuring drugs for the band and screening their phone calls