It's that time of year Culties! The Jeffening is upon us! It's time to gather your loved ones and read the Sexbruise? Commandments aloud around a warm toasty fire!
Donate to the CULT
Donation Description:
Ten Commandments of Sexbruise?
- Friendship, honesty, and loyalty are to be prized above all other things.
- On the third Wednesday of every month, you must lay upon your doorstep a raw chicken thigh as a sacrifice to the Great Blue Shark.
- Sexbruise? Is god. You may still worship other gods, but Sexbruise? needs to be at least your primary or secondary god.
- Stealing is only acceptable if you can definitely get away with it and you are doing it to save time or money
- On the day of a Sexbruise? Show, you must fast in preparation for the Feast of a Thousand Snacks. The hungriest bruise fans shall be rewarded the most handsomely.
- Tithes must be donated in multiples of 69 or 420. Amounts such as 6.90, 42.00, 84.00 or 4200.00 are acceptable.
- Quit your job and surrender your life to Sexbruise? To demonstrate your loyalty.
- On the day of The Jeffening, a flying saucer will emerge from the skies above our Miami Timeshare and take us all to the mother ship to join our ancestors.
- On the Last Full Moon Before The Jeffening, ‘The chosen one’ shall be selected by the gods. This person will be brought on stage at a sexbruise? Show and sacrificed to the gods, or maybe they just dance or something
- ‘The Chosen One’ will be required to serve as Sexbruise?’s intern for no less than 6 months to prove their worthiness and will be in charge of procuring drugs for the band and screening their phone calls
